Sunday, September 14, 2014

So Who Comes to These Things? – Post #66

You can choose a ready guide
In some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide
You still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears
And kindness that can kill
I will choose path that’s clear
I will choose free will

“Freewill,” Peart ‘80

Sunday, 9/14/14 11:03AM
At home

My friend, John, texted me the other day.  “I’m at a funeral mass and the priest just quoted Rush.  Something about choices.”

I’ve heard of people writing PhD discertations on Rush, musically and lyrically, but I’d never heard of a priest quoting them.  Ironic, since the song is about determinism, rather than religious fatalism.


A lot of guys have contacted me, to ask if I’d bring back the ERUPTIÖN (bareback) or FÜSION (all guys) parties.  I might, but it depends on the demand.  Words, alone, do not constitute actual support; you’ve got to show up.


Guys who come to my parties usually return.  Some, more than others.  Most of the guys on my email list – my active list always remains at about 3,500 – never come.  They’re the “window shoppers.”  This post is directed toward them.

So who comes to these parties, anyway? 

Mostly nice, normal, and some rendition of fit.   The average age tends to be early 40s, which has lately been trending younger, as I’ve had few bareback guys.   One night will be 30% in their 20s, while the next party, there may be 10%.  Same goes for men their 50s.

Guys who are not into men over 40 probably should not come. 

My guys, particularly my regulars, are usually nice and don’t go for drama.  They know how to enjoy themselves, regardless of what’s going on around them.  We don’t get guys who are loud or obnoxious, or who are always trying to be Fabulous. 

This is very good.

My regulars return because of the environment and vibe, but also because the space is very clean, comfortable, and rather cool (if I do say so, myself!).  They know they’re safe, and they know the next guy who walks through the door is likely going to be like themselves: grown-ups.  Regardless of age.

Most of the young guys handle themselves well.  They’re clear on what my parties are about, and they’re looking for that which I provide.  Some, though, are the proverbial “deer caught in the headlights.”  They are few and they don’t stay long.

About two-thirds of my guys are white.  One party might have five men who are Latino; the next, only one.  Same for African-American and Asian men.  We don’t get many Middle Eastern or South Asian, but they do come.  I love diversity.

This is an inclusive environment, not and exclusive one, save for the fact that I try to only invite the more sophisticated and cool guys, and who are fit.  This is New York City, which is obviously very diverse.  I try to capture that, while looking for guys who appreciate it.  This is not Nazi Germany.

Recently, during a rather busy party, three guys arrived together.  They were all about the same age, late 20s, and all looked the same: tank tops, muscled bodies, baseball hats turned backward, wrap-around bicep tattoos.  And they were very nice.  I respectfully explained to them, prior to letting them in, that this is likely not a party they’re going to enjoy.  How do I know this?  From experience; it’s really not very difficult.  They were very appreciative of my honesty, and left. 

This isn’t to say that guys their age don’t come (they do, very much), nor that guys who go to the gym don’t come (they do, very much), nor their tats or hats or whatever.  It was the whole package, and that they came in a group, that told me they’d walk around for a few minutes, then decide to leave.  That’s not good for anyone.  They’d leave because they’re expecting hoping that the party would be filled with guys like themselves.  This does not make them bad or wrong, just not a fit. 

I hate disappointing people!

Couples and groups pose their own challenges, sometimes.  You’d think that multiple people showing up would be a good thing, which it often is, but not necessarily.  When a group of friends arrives, especially gay men, they’re often already in a “fabulous” headspace, being humorously sarcastic with each other.  When they walk in, the vibe is noticeably quieter and more mellow; it’s fine if they quickly assimilate, but there are times when the group might continue as they were, which could be loud and somewhat obnoxious.  I’m not suggesting they’re bad people – I’ve got friends with whom I can get that way – but it’s not the vibe I try to create, not here.

Couples, as in partners, are usually great to have.  They might bring a sense of calm and confidence, since they’re not arriving alone.  Other times, though, they end up spending half the time whispering to each other.  If one person is enjoying himself, but the other is not, guess which one usually wins out. 


But the ones who have fun, usually return, because the environment is conducive to that which a couple might look for: no drama.  Couples get enough of that on their own!

Although a large percentage of my guys come from Chelsea, there’s the type of “Chelsea guys” who don’t.  I have to be  very careful, here, as to not have the right guys misinterpret what I’m saying. 

I’ve already established the types of guys who come, regardless of the neighborhood.  There’s another type, however: the “fabulous” guys who remind me of high school.  Again, regardless of age.

In 1996, when I was 27 years old (and still to live one more year on Long Island), I briefy dated this guy, Michael.  He was ten years older than I was, and living on the Upper West Side.  His best friend was Martin, who was a few years younger than Michael.  They were “fabulous.”

That summer was a turning point for me, spending so much time with them.  At that age, I hadn’t yet realized how different people can be, from group to group.  I just thought they were my type of guys, because they were gay and went to a lot of bars. 

They weren’t my type of guys.  I’d elevated myself beyond the high school/peer pressure experience, while still in junior high, but I wasn’t prepared for the notion that adults could still have that childish sense of self.  I began to realize it when we had to “be seen” at certain restaurants, certain bars, and with certain people.  Further, the way Michael and Martin would incessantly bicker about the stupidest things.  How they’d do a drug (Special K, that year) because it was hip.  We had to go to Twilo because so-and-so would be there.  We had to go to the Bowery Bar, for the same reason. 

The right clothes, the right food, the right gym, even the right way to walk and talk.

It was pretty miserable to be around, at least for me.

Anyway, I’m mentioning this to show that these guys don’t come, nor should come.  If they were to come, stand around with each other and point out the flaws of the guys who are supposed to be there, and who are enjoying themselves.  Their sense of self, of worth, and even personality and happiness, are achieved outwardly, instead of inwardly, as it ought to be. 

If you’re a first-timer walking in, it isn’t a scene of a bunch of assholes, nor a group of guys who are going to stare at you while you’re undressing.  Well, they shouldn’t be staring, anyway.  I try to make your initial experience inviting and comfortable.  Most guys enjoy themselves.

Hopefully you will, too.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.


The TRÎPS fetish party was not a success.  I likely won’t have another one.  The guys were great, as usual, but the turnout wasn’t.  Again, if you want it, you must support it.

But October will see a new concept (sorta): after work parties.  5PM to 9PM.  Not all, but we’ll do a few.  This is a concept that is tried and true, by myself and others, so I am sure it’ll be a hit. 

Stay tuned!

The Örgy Guy