Tuesday, August 12, 2014

How I Screen – Post #64

Lookin’ for some hot stuff baby this evenin’
I need some hot stuff baby tonight
I want some hot stuff baby this evenin’
Gotta have some hot stuff
Gotta have some love tonight

“Hot Stuff,” Donna Summer ‘80

Tuesday, 8/12/14 12:44PM
At home

Disco was never meant to be lyrically deep.


Picture it: Long Island, the year 2000, at a quiet little Italian restaurant with my parents.

My father, a retired cop, notes our waitress and says, after she walks away, “She’s drunk.  She’ll spill something before we’re done eating.”  My mother and I were like, “Really?  How can you tell?”  We certainly couldn’t tell, and I was already a bar fly alcoholic by that point.  He was totally right.  When she brought my stracciatella soup, sure enough, she spilled it.

Pretty impressive, Dad.


I often am asked how I’m able to bring such a high percentage of great guys.  One can say, “No attitudes,” but making it so is quite different.  And there’s more to it than that.

It’s been a few years since I’ve written about this, my screening process, mostly due to the notion that it could come off as negative.  It’s definitely the easiest thing to write about.

The most effective way to get the right guys to come, is to tell them what I’m looking for and what the parties are like, in one introductory paragraph.  If they read it and realize it’s not their scene, they’ll usually not ask for the address.  I send this parapraph to anyone under 30, before sending further info and putting them on my list, but lots of times, I’ll send all the info if he’s 35 or older.  These guys are usually more existential, not having so many requirements, and into the scene I’m offering.

Like my late father (he died of cancer in ’06), my occupational experience has taught me how to read people.  Particularly men, of course.  I’m rather accurate in being able to figure if a guy is a fit for my parties.  Hopefully, I can make this determination before sending the invitation, by his profile and such, but sometimes it takes an actual visit here.

This isn’t an exercise in judgment, per se, but a desire to bring guys who will enjoy themselves, while not adversely affecting any other guy’s experience.  If I don’t invite someone, it isn’t necessarily because I think he’s a bad person, but because he may not be the right person.

Everybody does it.  We tend to look for red flags in others, the things we don’t like, moreso than looking for things we do like.  At first, at least.  After we screen them for the negatives, then we’re more apt to look for the positives.  Works in business, works in romance.  If we’re too tough, then we’re not going to get much business, and we’re not going to get much romance.  I try not to be tough, but to be accurate.

Qualities I don’t want are entitlement, too much ego, flakiness, being obnoxious, immaturity, too “questiony,” or too high maintenance.

Here are some reasons I wouldn’t invite someone:

1)   He includes a picture, but all he writes is one word: “info.”  And that’s in the title – nothing in the body of the email.  Writing one word smacks of entitlement.  “I’m hot so all you should need to do is see me.”  Sorry, fella, but this is a party for men, not women.   I’m not looking for you life’s story, but a complete sentence, as well as some sort of greeting and a “thanks,” is expected of an adult.

2)   He starts off with a litany of questions, before I’ve sent the info, and even worse after I’ve already sent it.  I’ve said this many times: be existential.  Just do it.  Guys who ask a lot of questions are used to being dissapointed, because they expect to be disappointed.  They’re the ones who’ll pace around with their arms folded, for maybe ten minutes, then ask to leave.  Existential guys have a lot more fun in life.

3)   He says, “I’m HIV negative and plan to stay that way.”  Good for you, son.  Me too.  Stating your status is relevant, even if it doesn’t matter to me (use a condom), but the planning-to-stay-that-way part makes you sound like a dick. 

4)   He asks me to share my own pics.  This is always from guys under 25.  Do you want to come to the party or not?  I’ve got a job to do.

5)   One time, a guy actually said, “What are you going to do to convince me to come?”  Again, no ladies please.

6)   He toots his own horn too much.  If you’ve sent a face picture, why must you call yourself VGL?  Humble guys are so much hotter.  This one isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker, but when a guy talks a lot about how hot and wonderful he is, he’s likely trying to deflect from what’s wrong with him.  And the bigger the smoke screen, the bigger the wrongs.

7)   He lists the measurements of his chest and biceps.  Generally (generally), when a guy talks about these things, he places a lot of importance on them.  I do not.  And neither do my regulars.  Be fit.

8)   He’s wishy-washy.  “I might want to come...”  “I’m just curious...”  “Considering...” Be affirmative.

9)   Stoopid questions: “Will guys like me?”  “Do you think I’ll get laid?”  How the fuck am I supposed to know that?  If you’re asking, then I’d think they won’t like you and you won’t get laid.  Stop asking.

10) Fat and tall guy around 365lbs+-, waist 56', and have a tiny COCK. can I go to be a bottom?”  No offense, my friend...  And I don’t care what size your dick is.

I use the same criteria for guys’ dating site profiles.  Sometimes, a guy is being a little snotty about other guys not opening their pics, or that they won’t respond to a mere word or a “wink,” and I get that.  He probably wrote that while irked at a few guys who’d just performed one of those transgressions.  A profile can go too far, in that regard; it can make the person seem too negative.  Especially when he’s only 19!  Shit yo!

Not being high maintenance is most important.  This is something I can’t always determine via email or profile, so I figure it out when he gets here.

Like my Dad, when he realized the waitress was drunk, I can determine certain qualities quickly – oftentimes before he’s even in the door.  If a guy hits one or even two red flags, fine, but it’s about the guys who hit ‘em all. 

One case in point: recently, a guy came who hit several red flags, in succession.  Firstly, he rang the bell before 8PM.  I don’t mind if a regular does this, because I know he was just mistaken about what time it was, but first timers ought to be more aware, especially since the info email stated not to come early or late.  So, I was downstairs, spending a couple of quality-time minutes with my cats, just before I was to light the candles and turn on the TV.  While on my way upstairs to answer the door, he rang again.  That’s two red flags, telling me he’s a flake.  Gimme more than five seconds!  I go to the door and tell him it isn’t 8 o’clock, yet.  I expect the guy, whoever it is, to be like, “Oh shit, I didn’t realize the time!  Sorry!”  But this guy started asking me what time it was.  “It’s 7:56.”  As I walked through my door, I figured (true to form), he’d be standing in front of my building, which is something I ask guys not to do, in the initial info email.  Most guys don’t need to be told this, but this guy did.  I went back to the door, and yes, he was standing there. 

People who are high maintenance require attention, and they usually think of themselves positively.  “If I’m super nice, then you have to like me.”  Nope, not necessarily.  This is more true for older guys, since they’ve lived their whole lives being this way, and have had the opportunity to grow out of it.  They’re “the pros,” while younger guys are still just used to adults answering their questions and putting up with them.  They don’t know any better, yet.  But there are definitely young guys who are low maintenance...which is always very heartening for me.

High mainenance guys will ask a lot of questions, but they’re also the ones who will put paper towels in the toilet, try to get their own clothes bags (instead of allowing the host, who actually knows where it is), take someone else’s beer, leave his shitty condoms on the floor, talk loudly (usually about something not sexy), try to get with someone who clearly isn’t interested, yawn or whistle, bring a bag of chips (ever get a chip stuck to your luby ass?), and/or walk around and acting bored.  There are others, but these are the ones which come to mind.  Oh, and getting here early and fretting about why there are only five guys here.  “When does it get busy?”  I told you, in the info email, to come at 9:15/9:30 if you require a lot of guys when you arrive, but you either didn’t read that or thought I was just kidding.  Either way, it’s a drag answering that for high maintenance guys, while for cooler, low maintenance first timers, I’ll volunteer that information with actual graphs.  I reward them, in a sense, for being cool and low maintenance.  Those guys usually say, “Oh I have a good time, no matter how many guys there are.” 

Those guys are fabulous.

Very basically, I try to invite guys who are fun, cool, and low maintenance.  I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I know what I’m doing.  Guys who are the best time, have the best time.  Very simple.  They require it of themselves, not of others; intrinsically motivated, rather than extrinsically.

I just want y’all to be happy.  Here or elsewhere.


DISCÔBALL, all 70s disco, will be this Friday, August 15th.  I expect it to be very well received.  I’ve got 68 of the top 100 disco songs of all time, according to some source I don’t recall.  Look for the playlist to be posted, later this week.

Be there or be square.

The Örgy Guy

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